How to take resilient action on challenging moments
Maybe you can relate to this: you want to (or have to) do something quite challenging, which you haven't done ever before. And you get in your own way. You know you are probably able to pull it off, but something is just holding you back. For instance, your self-confidence is just lacking a bit of spark at the moment. Or you’ve recently made a mistake, in public or otherwise, which has made you a little more insecure and vulnerable. Whatever the case: you need a boost in your mental game…if you want to do that one brave thing. Here’s to get this show on the road.
This article was also a (Dutch) column in the Radio Aalsmeer Blikopener Radio show on 2 August 2021.
Confidence says: “I can do this.”
Courage says: “I dare taking this action.”
Optimism says: “I think it will probably work out well.”
Leadership says: “I make sure I’ll lead from within, so that I have done everything I can to make this happen, no matter the circumstances.”
Often these are all things you know very well, but you might be emotionally wobbly about them. We're not all superheroes all the time, and we don't have to be. Not being a superhero, but rather the best version of yourself you can be at the present time is more powerful. And more attainable. And quite frankly, a big deal already. Because when you're improving yourself instead of forcing yourself to be a superhuman, you'll know whose talents are at your disposal. Yours.
But if you have to do something scary now, how can you pull this off?
I have four things I'd like to share with you today. Those four things have in common that they are about what you can influence. Because someone doesn't grow more resilient by focusing on things nobody can do anything about. Like the weather, the judgment of some jerk on social media, the economy, or things like that.
Four steps you actually have influence on:
Step 1 is to take the focus off the notion that YOU must do this for YOURSELF. Sounds crazy doesn't it, because we're just talking about things that YOU have to do. Bear with me. Our society is structured in such a way that most people think 'you have to claim things and make them happen'. But this also means that everything would revolve around you. Aside from the fact that auntie Co has slashed that notion into oblivion in 2020, it’s also worth noting that things that truly make a difference, usually don’t entirely revolve around yourself in the first place. They contribute something for the common good. And if you are less busy fearing the worst case scenario, you have more headspace to focus on what your action potentially means for the common good, and what this could change in the lives of others. This usually lifts the stress and anxiety to acceptable levels. Because in your mind, you frame it as a favour for someone, instead of A Gigantic Accomplishment You Need To Ace. After accomplishing it, you can of course celebrate in any way you like. But you catch my drift: strangely enough it is the NOT thinking about yourself for a while, that sets you free. It provides you with sort of a U-turn to achieve what you want so badly. Practical empathy, in other words, with your mindset as a starting point. And with the super bonus that you’re more likely to prevail.
Step 2 is getting started in a practical sense, by assessing what your drivers are: positive or negative. For example, a negative driver is something I used to have when I grew up being orphaned at age fourteen: “I want to study and work hard, so that I don't get stranded, as I have seen with other people around me”. This is a negative driver, but it helped me get the fire started to start accomplishing things to improve my life. So it might have been a negative driver, but the result was positive. A positive driver might be that you already see yourself standing on the podium with a shiny gold medal, because you have won the 100 meters sprint, and you can already feel the gold clenched between your teeth. You feel the glory rushing through your veins, so to speak, and you're already scribbling your post-Olympic visit to the Queen in your agenda. Usually there is a mixture of positive and negative drivers present in your motivation. And that's totally okay; there is nothing right or wrong about it. It is only very useful (and essential) to know what your drivers are. Because if, for example, you keep telling yourself that you 'just aim for big success', but you turned actually quite sour because of bad luck in the past, then you better just acknowledge that your way to glory has a more complex driver. You’re not a happy-go-lucky. And that's okay. Being honest with yourself about this will help you a lot further than imagine a pretty shiny picture in your mind’s eye that you actually don't believe in, deep down. Because that just sabotages your efforts. Your driver may change from negative to positive, over time. You might notice this transition for example, when you have less stress over time, because you have already experienced a stash of lovely successful moments, and you start to build on that. And after a while it's also easier to pick yourself up again if you made a mistake. We’re all messing something up, every once in a while. And that's totally okay too. Feeling your way through that and picking yourself up again, is what helps us grow more resilient.
Step 3 is focusing on which concrete, necessary, indispensable steps you need to take to achieve a result that will make you proud. The simpler the steps, the better. If you focus on those, it removes a lot of static in your mind. Clarity helps. It also makes you less concerned about what other people are doing or thinking. It releases you somewhat from other people's judgments, outside validation, the judgments of your inner critic 9give him/her a name and send him/her out), and things like that. Because if you know what the best step is because they are crystal clear, you don't have to have second thoughts about them anymore.
Step 4 is acknowledge that you always, under any circumstance, have influence on the healthy habits that you take on. Healthy habits. Eating healthy, getting enough sleep, sticking to an exercise regiment that makes you feel stronger, healthier and more energetic, paying close attention to what thoughts you allow in your head. Those kind of things. If you take good care of yourself this way, stress, anxiety and hassle get a little less hold on you.
Three things you can do NOW:
Write down what you want to achieve, and what minimum steps you MUST take to achieve this. Without fluff or judgments. Example: let’s suppose you want to launch a new information product, for example an online workshop. Steps you need to take: 1. concretely describe a product on an A4 sheet; 2. Ensure that you have sufficient knowledge and resources to launch it; 3. Promote your service on a quickly built website or landing page, and possibly advertise; 4. Ensure that your payment process is taken care of online; 5. Reserve time for customers; 6. Helping customers. That's it. Nothing else. Focus on the first thing you need to do: so describe your product. If you catch yourself having negative thoughts in this area ("I can never do this" / “Who needs this anyway” / “My competition already has a bigger client base” / “This sucks” / “I suck”) write them down, and read them out loud. Check in with yourself if you really believe you couldn't pull this off. If you still doubt your skills or something is off regarding your mindset, proceed with number 2:
Write a Thank You Note to someone who has thus far helped you further along on your journey (any journey, really, it doesn’t have to be related to your current mission) at least one step further in what you want to achieve;
Write a Thank You Note to your future self, expressing appreciation for your efforts to achieve this goal. Keep this Thank You Note on your desk, stick it to your monitor, or use it as a bookmark in your paper planner.
If you take these steps, at least you can't blame yourself, no matter what happens. And you are more likely to reach your goal. However things will go: you've become an upgraded version of yourself.
And you have that power all by yourself.
