Radical Empathy Is Not For The Faint Of Heart
Empathy, as most of us know, is the ability to imagine what someone feels, while going through something, and being able to empathize with that person's situation, by imagining yourself in that person's situation. Most people do have the natural ability to empathize, so let's assume that both of us do have it. :-)
Ever since the first corona wave faded, and people went on to enjoy their summer holiday, it seems as if empathy has faded into the background throughout the corona crisis. Most of the hoarded toilet paper is used up by now, and we've gotten more comfortable going to supermarkets, and trust that other people are equally able to take care of business. And now, quite some months later, people have other priorities, that are more focused on their own survival, and that of their families, businesses, and their country. Which is understandable. Be that as it may, more people than ever are suffering emotionally because of the on again and off again local lockdowns. Bars open, bars closed, bars open again, hurray, and bars closed once more. People are getting annoyed, to put it mildly. And indeed, businesses suffer because of the necessary safety measures to prevent more people from getting infected.
We also notice people having short fuses more often. In the supermarket someone bumps into you without a mask, and coughs, with virus-infused splatter in a 5 feet radius, aerosols not included. This can be very annoying. And dangerous. No bueno. But can you still empathize with someone's discomfort of coughing uncontrollably?
In the Netherlands, the country I live in, tolerance was pretty much THE national branding trait our society carried with pride, up to about, well, five years ago or so. That tolerance also seems further away than ever, when you read the sometimes apocalyptic looking news headlines every day. And let's not bash the Netherlands too much on this, because most countries have citizens whose mental health stretch are getting unwanted exercise on a daily basis. People attacking law inforcement, and acting aggressively, sometimes even get physically violent. They're more likely to get upset because they're getting more and more traumatized while coping with all the turmoil in the world at the moment, and this also translates to our social media timelines. Haters gonna hate. People feel hurt, or are afraid, and lash out. And sometimes it isn't quite that easy to shake that off.
(Watch this video or keep reading)
In the Netherlands, the country I live in, tolerance was pretty much THE national branding trait our society carried with pride, up to about, well, five years ago or so. That tolerance also seems further away than ever, when you read the sometimes apocalyptic looking news headlines every day. And let's not bash the Netherlands too much on this, because most countries have citizens whose mental health stretch are getting unwanted exercise on a daily basis. People attacking law inforcement, and acting aggressively, sometimes even get physically violent. They're more likely to get upset because they're getting more and more traumatized while coping with all the turmoil in the world at the moment, and this also translates to our social media timelines. Haters gonna hate. People feel hurt, or are afraid, and lash out. And sometimes it isn't quite that easy to shake that off.
Seven years ago, when my first book 'So, now you're an orphan' was published, I came into contact with a storyteller collective in New York. This initiative was founded by writers and researchers in the field of humanities, and a few celebrities. The collective had a mission to let people experience their empathy in a very practical way, so that others, but also themselves, would benefit from this. And so that they would gain a broader, deeper world perspective. This was the first time for me that not only empathy, but also radical empathy was the center of a project. I never forgot. I spoke about radical empathy on numerous occasions over the last eight years, and I sometimes received vague glances. “'Radical empathy', what IS that…”
One of the things that the storytellers collective was already organizing back then, was connecting two school classes, from two different parts of the world. One in New York, and the other in a more rural are in the west of Ireland. Every student in New York wrote their own personal experience story on a piece of paper, from the I perspective. So for instance "I came home last month, and my dad was picked up by the police, and now I'm living with my grandmother for the time being." With a bit more information, and also a description of how the writer felt at the time of the event. Students in Ireland did the same. For example, a story could be something like "I had a ballet performance last week, and I sewed my outfit myself. It was a lot of work. Mommy couldn't be there, but I got my diploma anyway." Those personal stories were then exchanged between the school classes: the boy whose father was in prison read the letter about the ballet performance out loud, as if it happened to himself, and the girl from the ballet performance read the letter about the incarcerated father out loud. Both students read the stories in their own classroom out loud, with all other students attending and truly listening. They were both given responsibility for the story of someone in another country, in another culture.
Something quite profound happens when you are willing to truly listen to, and feel someone else's story, and to take responsibility for it. And then to share it with your own peers, as if the story were about yourself. Because you yourself will get to experience the feeling how it truly feels to have had experienced the other person's events in your own life. It also causes you to feel emotions that you otherwise might not have discovered so promptly. And after the children told the stories, they discussed them in class, so that the other students also experienced a raised sense of empathy within the group. Not because that other story could be labeled as ‘sad, pathetic of otherwise unsavoury’, but because you care about people in general, and want to learn from the experiences of others, and want to teach yourself to perceive others as they are, via their own words. And also, practicing radical empathy in a hands-on way. Not just hearing, but truly listening and taking it in. Not just reading or seeing, but experience it through brave action yourself.
What empathy is NOT in my opinion, is to regard someone or their situation as being 'sad or pathetic'. Nobody gains anything by sticking labels like that, and it doesn't contribute anything to anyone. And the other person might feel dismissed as some pathetic person.
You see, empathy isn't something wishy-washy. I think it's the opposite. It takes courage practicing it.
Because the next step is to take inspired action. Writing a letter, creating something, giving something, sharing something. Or coming up with a solution for someone's situation, and discuss options with that person. Or just decide to stand next to the person, without judgment.
In 2016, I hosted the Beyond Envy Conference, a day long livestream conference with thirteen speakers from five countries. I had received some emails and social media replies, that oozed frustration. Why did my book get into the national newspaper, and theirs didn't? Why did my workshops sell, and theirs didn't? Why did I get media gigs, and they didn't? So I decided to take inspired action, and provide the answers, and tools to improve their projects, for free. I contacted 12 other people from 5 countries, and we shared valuable information and tips on a variety of topics. For example on independent book publishing, social media marketing, how to develop e-learning and online courses, and more. All for free, based on our own work and experience. But also on radical empathy. I had exchanged personal stories with a number of people, and during live streams. we took responsibility for telling each other's stories to conference attendees. This meant that someone else told my story, and I told someone else's story. This required quite a level of surrendering. Because you cannot suddenly interrupt the other person in the middle of the livestream and yell 'yes, hello, it didn't go like that!'. Also in 2016 that was considered to be a tad rude, in live stream video. So you share something of yourself, and give someone else the freedom to experience and tell YOUR story. And YOU listen like you're a conference guest. This teaches you a lot, to let go of control like that, even if only for a little while.
Later I printed cotton bags with my own quote: 'Radical Empathy changes the world'. I sent them as Christmas presents to some of my clients and friends.
Because I really believe this to be true, that radical empathy can change the world.
Someone I know who regularly takes super-inspired, passionate and quite radical actions is Rikko Voorberg. You might know him from We Gaan Ze Halen, a Dutch initiative that aims to find more justice and a worthy existence for refugees on the periphery of Europe, for instance on the island of Lesvos. A few years ago, Rikko once filled someone's home with nearly a thousand euros worth of flowers. It was a refugee's family home in the Netherlands, and the family had been threatened with violence by several neighbors. The house was smeared with nasty language. But Rikko thought: "I can't believe this is happening, and I have to DO something." So he decided to counter the violent acts of the family's neighbors, and planned a gigantic token of welcome for the family. Hundreds of bunches of flowers. The whole home was one giant sea of festive colours. The message is clear. Radical empthy inspired action makes people feel seen, validated, welcome, and worthy.
Today, you and I are in a situation that we recently might have labeled as something that happens to other countries, something you see on the evening news. You might have felt bad for those suckers, and you'd hope that their luck would turn for the better soon. And you would be reminded of your blessed life. But now that scenario isn't in a galaxy far, far away, but right in your living room and your makeshift home office, this just might be the ideal opportunity to rethink empathy from today's perspective. Your perspective, but perhaps someone else's as well. Because...is there someone who empathizes with you know, while you're in your current situation? Probably just about everyone has their backpack quite full with their own dealings. But in many, of not most cases, that does not change the fact that the willingness to empathize is there ... if someone is not utterly overwhelmed. And if the willingness is there, you might just take that one extra step.
You can consciously choose to make time and space for radical empathy. Don't just think about how someone else experiences their hardship. Rather, you might be deciding what kind of Christmas present basket you can make for a homebound neighbor. Write Christmas cards with hopeful wishes to ALL people in the street you live in. Or volunteering for lonely people. Call a welfare organization, shelter, senior citizen complex or a local church. There are always help requests.
A few years ago I was feeling depressed for quite some time, and I needed to make a change. Then I started volunteering at the local cat shelter, once a week. I swear to you, those furry happy pills helped me even more than I helped them. Well, let's just say it was a mutual fun experience. And if the shelter had still been open, I would still have volunteered there.
Last week, I watched a Dutch documentary that was recommended to me via Twitter, titled "Are you still following me?" It was about exhausted influencers who weren't really, well, influencing anymore. Watching this, one might have all kinds of thoughts. Perhaps: 'Well, they obviously are yesterday's news'. Or: I'm way cooler than they are now, look at them'. Or: "Losers."
Or perhaps: ”now they have more time available to find out who they truly are, who they want to be, and what they really want to do in the future. Take some time for reflecting, or to serve someone who's in need of something."
And then ... you make a wish, for them. Who knows, it might help.
It's up to you. In Radical Empathy Land, you have the freedom to choose what benefits yourself AND others.
Which thought do you choose to entertain today? And what inspired action will you take?