Surrendering To Grow More Resilient

Today I'm sharing what I hope to be comforting and helpful to you. It has to do with #resilience, and dealing with loss, as many of us are. The main thought of today is: You are not what you have, and that's a BIG reassurance! Many people miss something, or a lot, of what they had in 'the old days', before you know what hit the globe. Perhaps it's a healthy turnover and good business, big in real life audiences for your keynotes, summer holidays, and that extra social ecosystem which is the office. Or perhaps other things you treasured.

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You found out that life isn't just a project that you can create at will, in any shape, at any given time. This probably was one big unpleasant surprise, since most success gurus were telling you to grit it out, and to hustle your way to success, if only you'd follow their surefire method or example. Or perhaps your parents told you that you can accomplish anything you put your mind to, because for them, so much more became possible in the last couple of decades, so much more than their parents had ever experienced. But now, times have changed. The viewpoint of the thought 'I can achieve anything, regardless what's going on in the world' turns out to be heartbreakingly wrong.

Our lives turn out to be a lot more vulnerable than we feel comfortable with. And at the very least, some cracks have appeared in the image of malleable happiness. If you have trouble with what you have lost, for the unforeseeable future, you may find comfort in the fact that what you thought you had, or actually did have, does not in fact define your identity. If you're having difficulty dealing with the understandable frustration or pent-up anger because of all of this, please stick around.

The truly great thing is that you are not what you have. You're also not what you don't have.

Not at all, really.

If you currently feel that you are lacking essential things in your life, check in with yourself. Were these things that you lost nice add-ons that made your work and life better, or were they truly essential, the makers or breakers? For instance, if you had to cancel your summer vacation because of lockdown, this is unpleasant, especially if you've saved up for it, or were already exhausted and needed a well deserved break. Unpleasant, but not a maker or breaker. However, if you lost something that was the core of your business, for example if you are a bar owner or event organizer, then you have indeed lost something, for now, and you do not know for how long, and whether you will get it back in time to salvage your business. You may grieve for that, because a loss is a loss. Grief and loss come with all the emotions that arise within you. Despite this, also great loss is not your identity. It can dramatically change your state of mind, it can dramatically change your living conditions, it can dramatically change your current options. But not your identity.

You will always have your blueprint of talents, attributes and personal signature. No one will take that blueprint away from you, no matter what. Not even if you lose your parents. Not even if someone has physically or emotionally violated you. Not even if you haven't touched anyone for eight months because of the social distancing measurements. I went through these last three things, and I am certainly not the only one, by far. When things like this happen, you may break. But never completely. Your inner core is still there. The source of who you truly are.

This may comfort you when you're struggling with bouts of grief, because that is what most of us are dealing with. Grief. Good grief, that also means allowing the feelings that arise, and 'let them happen' in a safe way. That sounds a bit mushy perhaps, but it is actually quite the opposite. It takes courage to have feelings that you've tried to avoid because they're so uncomfortable.

And it takes courage to be willing to surrender to them completely. Not surrendering to the situation as an final destination of doom, but rather surrendering to the feelings you're having. Surrendering for many is an eerie concept in a society like ours. Because a fear may arise, something that 'proves' that we're not entirely in control of changing our current situation. Perhaps you think: 'Perhaps I'll break, and I won't mend'. Surrendering isn't often associated with strength. On the contrary. But surprisingly, the super comforting thing is...

'Breaking' is a wonderful way to make growth happen.

During the first lockdown I read a book by Ann Voskamp. It was about brokenness and what can arise from that. And compared the willingness to break to what happens to a grain of wheat. It has to go through this phase of seemingly utter destruction. It needs to break, in order to become what it potentially holds. Breaking hurts. It's not pleasant. But if that grain remained as it was, it might have been a beautiful grain with its shiny swagger, but nothing new could come out of it. To break is to create the opportunity to create something new. And even better, to create what you could then share with others. Let those newly grown grains spread, so they can feed others. That sharing and growing however is only possible if you're willing to allow this somewhat uncomfortable transformation.

Transformation, it sounds so cool and futuristic and glossy, doesn't it. But in reality, it usually is messy, and sometimes painful. It is never instant gratification. But it can happen quickly if you surrender to it. There we have it again: surrendering. Not easy. But it's worth it. The greatest and fastest consolation as far as I am concerned, is the deep knowing of:

“I am not what I have or what I had. And this means that I am essentially the same person under every circumstance, and cannot dissolve. The outside may break, but my core is the fertile ground.”

The question that arises from this knowing is 'what is my core in essence?'. That question is a bit more difficult to answer. You may feel the desire to know. Perhaps you feel a deep sense of faith, because life has been given to you. Or perhaps you may park that question for the time being. And focus more on being, instead of having, making, performing, or achieving. It's more peaceful. And more powerful.